To Escape the Legions of Fashion Hell
by HisagiKirigakure
Summary: Renji's fashion sense is under scrutiny in the courtroom. Collab with CatSafari and TheDrunkenWerewolf


A/N

**General business**: We do not own Bleach. That privilege belongs to Tite Kubo. Hail the Almighty Kubo. HK owned the legwarmers… that is all.

**Cat**: I was not drunk when I wrote this. I have no excuse.

**Wolfie**: I was drunk when I wrote this, so I have an excuse. Thanks to HK's dreadful neon orange legwarmers for inspiring this fic. It was such a blast to write with you guys.

**HK**: Maybe Wolfie shouldn't drive our minibus… Thanks for throwing me under it. I was 7 years old! My fashion sense is now on trial via Renji proxy. Thanks for covering for me, Ren. I owe you.

**Bonus A/N**: Take a shot (of water) every time someone says "Objection" or "Impossible"

* * *

As the criminal was brought into court, the room fell silent. Renji shuffled into the courtroom with his head down, avoiding the judgmental looks of his peers. He was still wearing the clothes he'd worn when he'd been arrested. A bright neon pair of orange leg-warmers, a loud yellow t-shirt, bellbottom jeans and a multicoloured waistcoat and bandana. Ladies around the court fell into muttering a chorus of hushed gasps echoing across the room. There was the thump of someone fainting.

"Renji Abarai," the old Head-captain proclaimed. "You have been brought here to this court for crimes against fashion. Looking at you, I can see how you **_should_** plead but I must ask none the less. How do you plead?"

"Uh," Renji answered. "Not guilty, your honour," he said. "I mean, how is my outfit even **_considered_** "Crimes against fashion"? I'm really fashionable. In fact, this is the **_height_** of fashion!"

"Che!" The old man huffed. "Absolutely ludicrous!" he bellowed. "This outfit is the height of criminality!"

"Impossible!" Renji cried. "I have far worse outfits than this!"

"And yet… here you stand before us" the old judge reminded.

May I say something, your honour?" Rukia stood to the red-heads defence. "In the 70s and 80s, this outfit was fashionable in the World of the Living."

"'**_Was'_** being the operative word, Miss Kuchiki. People generally have more sense now."

Rukia gasped in mild horror. "But… but your honour," she said. "Renji doesn't **_have_** any sense!"

"OBJECTION!" Renji cried, throwing his arm out and pointing to who knew where. "I have common sense."

"For the last time, Renji," Rukia said. "Remembering that the oven is hot is not common sense."

Renji's hairband snapped as he threw his head back allowing the long red spikes to cover his shoulders. "Rukia, I thought you were supposed to be my defence. Why are you throwing me under the bus!?"

"SILENCE ABARAI! We are not here to discuss your friendship." The old man's voice rose to diminish the quarrelling. "That will be designated to a different court case.

"Wait, what?" Renji exclaimed. "**_Another_** trial!?"

"Yes. But today we are here to judge your poor fashion choices."

Kaname nodded, "Judging is along the path to true justice," he said vaguely.

"But you can't even see what I'm wearing!" Renji shouted.

"I don't need to," Tousen replied. "I know how terrible it is from its aura."

"Clothes don't have an aura" Renji snapped.

"But evil does," Tousen replied, "and such crimes against fashion **_reek_** of it."

"What is the worst part of my outfit then?" Renji inquired, looking down at his attire.

"Those ridiculous orange leg-warmers!" Shuuhei exclaimed matter-of-factly.

"Huh!?" Renji tilted his head. "But… but the leg-warmers are the best part!"

"No," Kaname said slowly, shaking his head. "They are the gravest injustice."

"Rukia," Renji said, appealing to his oldest and dearest friend, "you'll vouch for me, won't you? You like my leg-warmers, don't you?"

"If by 'you should burn them and exorcise the remains'," Rukia quoted, "then, sure."

Turning to the head-captain, Renji seems to have resigned to his fate before he pipes up… "You can't condemn me."

Fifth squad captain looks, raising his eyebrows, and asks, "And why not?"

"I'm Batman!" Renji said in a dark, gruff Batman-like voice.

"Uh-huh." Aizen nodded. Clearly not believing a single word of it. "Well if you're Batman, then that makes me Superman who is clearly **_far_** superior to Batman."

The captain of the third snickered. "Yeh, an' I'm his Kryptonite." Aizen promptly shushed him.

Old man Yamamoto slammed the gavel down, shushing the discussion before pop culture could derail it entirely. "Renji Abarai, what defence do you bring to this court?" He raised the gavel warningly. "Your claim to superhero status notwithstanding."

"I… I have no defence, seeing as Miss Kuchiki has thrown me under the bus." That last part, spoken with a slight hiss as if to say, 'Thanks very much'. Renji glared daggers at his younger friend.

Rukia however, just smiled innocently and shrugged. So much for best friends forever.

"Then we have no choice but to continue onto the verdict - " the Old man began.

"Objection!" a voice cried.

Genryusai Yamamoto paused, gavel still in mid-air as Yumichika stood. The judge raised an eyebrow. "Well," he said, "this is a surprise Yumichika Ayasegawa. You have something to say in the defence of the accused?"

"Oh goodness gracious, no," Yumichika drawled. "I just think we should all have a turn to roast this crime of fashion."

"Hey, now that's not fair Yumichika!" Renji protested.

"SILENCE ABARAI, before I find you in contempt of court. As you were saying 5th seat Ayasegawa." Yamamoto ushered.

"Yes, as I was saying," Yumichika continued, flipping his hair dramatically. "We should **_ALL_** have a chance to roast this fashion disaster that is Renji Abarai."

Yamamoto nodded. "Very well, you may continue."

Yumichika cleared his throat as Renji braced for impact. "Thank you, your honour. Now, I have to say that Renji's… ugh… awful fashion choices are simply dreadful. And I refuse to look at them, like how I despise ugly things. It's like he walked into a dye shop and took a swim in all the vats of colour. Tie-dye? More like I **_die_** when I look at this outfit! As for his choice of footwear, the last time he set foot in the World of the Living – "

"Hey, No fair Yumi!" Renji objected. "Only **_this_** outfit is on trial!"

"So, you admit this one deserves to be punished?" Byakuya states.

"What? No!" The look of defeat struck his face once he saw his Captain's disappointment.

Byakuya shook his head, further conveying his disappointment. "Honestly Abarai, how on earth do you expect to surpass me dressing like… **_that_**?"

"But…" Renji stammered. "But Captain…"

"No 'Buts', Abarai, I don't want to hear your excuses. I am severely disappointed in you."

That seemed to absolutely **_crush_** Renji, judging by the look on his face now.

"Brother," Rukia said, "perhaps you're being too harsh. At least allow him to explain himself."

Byakuya glanced to Rukia. "How would you explain that monstrosity? What sort of reasoning can you possibly imagine that would excuse… **_that_**?"

Rukia faltered. "Maybe it was dark when he dressed?" she offered eventually.

Renji was so looking for a way out but **_lying_** in court could be even more punishable. "Well I…" with everyone's eyes on him, Renji looked like a deer caught in headlights. Slowly, he shook his head.

"I would like to give him brain surgery to find out his decisions. It could be most interesting."

Everyone in the courtroom turned their heads towards the Captain of the 12th division, Mayuri Kurotsuchi, who was grinning maniacally at the thought of getting to experiment on him. Oh no, wait, that was his normal facial expression.

"And how exactly," Old man Yama asked, "would that help us?"

"Such brain anomalies could uncover a myriad of conditions," Mayuri said. "Perhaps it is outside manipulation. Or maybe we are looking at a new breed of hollow abilities, designed to prey on a soul reapers decision-making skills," he continued, looking decidedly more fascinated by the second. "Whatever the cause, it could be vital to ensure such things are not infectious."

"You can't talk!" The demonic 11th Captain retorted. "Have you ever looked in the mirror? Your outfit is just as ridiculous."

"I beg your pardon!" Mayuri snapped. "My outfit is exemplary, thank you very much. It's **_you _**who needs to look in the mirror. Did you get lost on your way to your pirate ship by any chance? With that eyepatch of yours?"

"At least he doesn't look like a psychedelic clown," Rukia muttered, and it was only after the words had passed her lips that she realised she had spoken aloud.

"I think you'll find my outfit is cutting edge technology," Mayuri retorted, "designed for maximum efficiency."

"At what?" Renji asked. "Giving children nightmares?"

The old judge smacked down the gavel. "The accused will remain quiet if he does not wish to be found in contempt."

"What? So, **_my_** outfit is a crime, but **_his_** is not? How does that make any sense?"

"**_LIEUTENANT ABARAI!_** This is your **_final_** warning." Yamamoto's death glare was paralysing the majority of the court. "Does anyone have anything to add regarding the crime in question. **_Only_** relating to the accused!"

"We have something to say." All eyes turn towards where the voice came from. A monkey attached to a snake by a chain burst into the courtroom. "Seriously Renji. What were you thinking?" the monkey leered.

"Za… Zabimaru?" Renji gasped. "What… what are you doing here? It's… Impossible for you to be here!"

"And yet, here we are," the monkey sighed, waving her hand.

"Yeah!" her companion piped up. "How could we not appear when you're on trial?"

Renji smiled, relief washing over him. Zabimaru had come out to support him! "So… you're here to help defend me in court?" he asked, feeling hopeful.

"Huh?" Zabimaru blinked, really confused. "What? Hell no! we just wanted to make sure you get put in jail for wearing that godawful outfit!"

"Question," Mayuri said. "Are the Zanpakuto **_also_** responsible for this fashion disaster and," he continued, eyes gleaming with the possibility of further experimentation, "is so, should they not also be inspected for possible extraneous causes?"

"Now hold on a minute. It's Renji on trial here. Not us," Snake complained. "I mean, the big ass broad here hasn't got much sense, fashion or otherwise. If you want to punish her then that's fine but leave me out of it." At this, Monkey struck Snake on the back of his head.

"Hey!" Monkey growled. "Don't go throwing **_me_** under the bus ya little brat. I'm not the tie-dye fashion disaster here!"

The Old Man Yamamoto just sighed. "Be quiet, both of you. Unless you have any evidence to present for this case, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my courtroom at once!"

Snake raised his hand. "If we stay **_real_** quiet, can we watch?"

"Hey! You're meant to be on my side!" Renji burst out with. "What are you doing sitting back to watch for?"

"I'm sorry, Renji," Monkey said, not sounding too wary at all, "but it's not our fault you have the fashion sense of a blind bat."

"I resent that," Kaname muttered, but without much malice.

"This isn't about you Kaname," Renji groaned.

The old man sighed once again. "If you keep quiet you may stay." Turning to the court, he continued, "Is there anything else or can we follow through with the judgement?"

"Excuse you, Abarai," Kaname interjected. "I may be blind but I'm running this trial."

"Er, I thought that was the judges' job," Renji said, folding his arms. "You're just the prosecuting attorney."

Kaname stood up from his seat and slammed his hands onto the prosecution desk. "Objection!" he shouted. Beside him, Lieutenant Hisagi sighed.

"Captain, sit down!"

"But he's obstructing the path to justice!"

"I don't care, just sit down!"

Kaname shook off Shuuhei's attempts to placate him. "Objection!" he repeated.

The old man slammed his gavel. Frustration clear on his face. "The next person to shout 'objection' will be found in contempt of court!

There was a moment of silence, punctuated by everyone doing their very best not to draw attention to themselves which was finally shattered by the slamming of the court door.

"I OBJECT!" a single voice cried. "Wait, this doesn't look like a wedding…" Ichigo corrected himself once he caught a glimpse of his surroundings.

"Honestly Ichigo, you are hopeless," Rukia sighed exasperatedly.

"Renji, what the **_hell_** are you wearing? You look like a carnival pineapple."

"I have heard enough. The sentence will now be passed." The Head-Captains voice boomed over everyone else. "Renji Abarai," he bellowed, making the courtroom fall silent. Apart from the loud **_CRONCH_** of Gin eating a bag of popcorn, he'd brought along for the occasion. Yamamoto glared at him.

"Want some?" Gin asked. Sousuke sneakily reached to take a handful out of the bag to munch on.

"No" the old coot replied.

"Eh, more for us then," Gin said, shrugging and crunching more popcorn.

"Sorry your honour," Aizen said. "Please continue with the sentencing."

Ichigo glanced around and then, when no one else offered anything in the way of explanations, sidled up to Rukia. "What's going on?"

"Renji's being sentenced," whispered Rukia.

"For what?" Ichigo whispered back. "Crimes against fashion?"

"Exactly."

"Oh."

"What was that about a wed-?" Rukia began before the old man boomed once more.

"Renji Abarai. For crimes against fashion, you are hereby found guilty and sentenced to the death of your wardrobe. All your clothes from the World of the living will be burned and before you go back, you'll have to converse with Lieutenant Matsumoto to get some real fashion sense."

As the judgement was passed, there were cheers from the gallery as well as the shameful look on Renji's face.


End file.
